I woke up today with a slight numb in my head. As my mother was shooing me to wake-up, I quickly realize that it must be Sunday already, Easter Sunday to be exact. Today marks the celebration for the resurrection our Lord Jesus Christ. Now, one might ask what difference does this Sunday make from all previous Easter Sundays? Well, none to be exact. To be much more clear and honest, I had better Easter Sundays before and I could already tell despite it was still 3:30AM. And while I find myself taking a very warm shower, I was thinking about how the Holy Week has passed by for me this year. For the first time in my life, I didn’t spend the Holy Week at home. Technically speaking, I still went home. I’m at home during the day, but at night I had to go to work so meaning, I wasn’t really being holy or reflective for this year’s blessed week. It was a bit different but nevertheless, I was still able to keep some old practice from my previous holy weeks, not do any sin. As a person that changes everyday, I’m not much of a sin-doer as I was before, but I admit that I still commit a few. Of course, avoiding sins in the Lenten season is much more of practice at times. Everyone tries to be good for this blessed week, but then when the week is off, everyone seems to be back from their old habits. We can always turn on or turn off are morals as a good or bad person depending on the situation. But when it comes to the point where how we have to live our lives despite whatever might happen, we cling on what we simply call as “faith”.
I have to be honest, my faith in God has decreased for the past few months. Just when you think you have a God that will help you all the time and will just give you out trials to test you, He suddenly rips you down and drops you strong. I do not question God’s existence, but I question God simply to ask him why? Why must I have to go through all of this? Why can’t I not get a break to all of his trials? Have I not proven myself time in time again? If I look at it this way, God wants me to be stronger, he cannot allow to slow my growth and thus I have experienced great trials in the past few months. That being said, my only reason why my faith in God has decreased is due to my human shortcomings. I do feel like God has not blessed me enough to see the light of the day. While I see others live life with no hardship at all, all I live for is hardship and no glory at all. When will it end? I do not know. When will God be pleased? I can’t really tell. But truth be told, my faith in God has greatly been affected. I may have spoken already numerous times how much “God’s will” is nothing more but a simple reply to the “Why?”, but it doesn’t really elaborate the reason. You can come up with so many definitions but it will still all end a confusion on which is which did God based the trials he has set-up for me.
But through it all, I still love God. I still believe in God. The faith may not be strong, but even at times where I seem to forget I have a God, deep inside my heart I know I believe in God and most especially, I trust Papa Jesus. In the midst of the Holy Week, we are reminded that Jesus sacrificed himself for our sins. That his death was an act of saying that we are saved. That I may not live a life of grandeur, I for one know that my soul has been saved by Jesus. And through every bit of hardship that I have, the act of Jesus to save our sins is enough to hold a common ground to keep the faith strong. I may not look up to God for any resolution for all my problems that much anymore, but all I know is, everything will be fine, that Jesus, at the end of the day, will still save me. Maybe a part of me has died due to the unfortunate events that occurred in my life, but if there is one thing that the Holy Week taught me and has always shown me in the past, God gave up his only son for our sins, that Jesus rose from the dead to proclaim that are souls are forever saved. I don’t really need to walk the way of the cross every year to know that fact. Looking at Jesus crucified in a cross is enough to remind me to always keep my faith strong. It doesn’t really symbolize hope, but it symbolizes that God will never forsaken us, and that we are forever blessed, if we keep the faith within us.
As I watched the little kids dressed as angels sang the return of Jesus, I gave a little smile for purposes that I cannot understand. The past few days I have been an ignorant child of God who has long forgotten to pray, or to even talk with Hi,. There are a lot of things to be said about the Roman Catholic’s religion. I will never be able to ponder the entirety of Christianity. But the practices that the Christian people do is outstanding. It shapes us to keep our faith and make it strong. That even through my ups and downs in life, my frustrations and short-comings, I have come to the grips that it doesn’t really matter anymore what I want God to give me. Throughout my life, I’ve always prayed to God for the things that I want, for the life I want to live. All people do. But I guess with my downfall, I am humbled by God. I am humbled to at least say, whatever God has planned for me or whatever I want for God to do doesn’t matter. I just want to keep the faith strong that even to whatever road he wants me to partake, I pray that he will guide me and blessed me always. I sometimes think that I know how God works, but yet, I still have a lot to see for me to fully know everything. ‘Till the day I will see the light of the day, it may not be as strong as it was before, but I will always keep my faith strong so that I’ll be able to see that day come.